Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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