And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
