I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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