oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
