I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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