I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
