you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
