I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
