: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
