the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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