my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
