So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
