then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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