The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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