I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
