i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
