I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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