nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
