I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
