phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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