Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Pants are for mortals
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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