You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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