When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
