I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm both gender and math confused
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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