i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
