first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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