Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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