I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
