I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
