This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
