how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
