what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
