I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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