I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
