you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
