you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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