do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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