I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
