Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
