Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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