well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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