she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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