and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
