It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
