Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
