I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
im holly from the hills drunk
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
