today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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