I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
