I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
vagina is talking i cant
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
