i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
