There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
