im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
